I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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