i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
