if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
