Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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