We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
it's like iHOP with fire
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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