I think I died a long time ago.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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