3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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