I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
