The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You pole danced in your parka.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
