I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize