im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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