It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
