Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
