Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
