i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
