So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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