its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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