I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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