I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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