if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
