If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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