Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
