he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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