the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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