Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
