That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
