I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
