so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize