i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
