I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
