I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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