He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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