Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They took my balls.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Randomize