life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
