Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
