also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
