he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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