Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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