I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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