2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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