all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
