Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
COCAINE IS GR8
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
