You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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