Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
