im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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