My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
