Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
