Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
