i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize