Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize