I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
