I swear she didn't look like that last week.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
