You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
