I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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