it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
