i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
