Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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