Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
