The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize